


The Newlywed, Not So Newlywed Game

by blighted_star, Stephanie (frostbitsky)



Category: Friends (TV), Lost, Roswell (TV), Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-13 20:08:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13578045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blighted_star/pseuds/blighted_star, https://archiveofourown.org/users/frostbitsky/pseuds/Stephanie
Summary: This is a parody that includes fictional characters my sister and I ship. We're also fans of the Newlywed Game and thought it would be funny to write a fan fiction combining them. But since not all the couples are newlyweds we decided to alter the title a bit. We had a lot of fun writing it and hope the humor and fun comes across to others. Enjoy!





	The Newlywed, Not So Newlywed Game

The announcer's voice booms in the studio, "Welcome to a special edition of _The Newlywed, Not So Newlywed Game_! All of our contestants are expecting parents!"

The audience cheers and applauds enthusiastically. The announcer continues, "Now let's welcome our couples."

On stage mechanical seats move forward revealing four couples.

"Couple number one, he works in advertising and she's a chef. They've been married for six years, have 3-year-old twins and are expecting a baby boy. From New York, Chandler and Monica Bing!"

The audience cheers for the couple.

Monica and Chandler are sitting in the two-seater couch and holding hands. Chandler is wearing a dark blue sweater vest over a white shirt and khakis. Monica is wearing a red halter dress. The fabric drapes elegantly over her pregnancy bump. Chandler was relieved the dress wasn't see-through. He didn't want another incident like the one at Mike's Karaoke bar.

"Couple number two, he's a Jedi Master with a seat on the Council. She's the current Senator of Naboo. They've been married for three years and are expecting twins. From a galaxy far, far away, please welcome Master Anakin Skywalker and Senator Padmé Naberrie Amidala-Skywalker.

The audience continues to applause.

The camera pans to Padmé and Anakin. Anakin is wearing his regular Jedi attire, minus the lightsaber that was taken away for the duration of the game. He was also warned not to use his Force abilities, like Jedi mind tricks, during the game. He has to play fair. Padmé is wearing an olive green, silk velvet gown with a plum colored satin sash across her giant belly. Instead of an extravagant hair do', her curls are simply worn down.

"Couple number three, they were the King and Queen of Antar in a past life. Now they are fighting the dictator Kivar to get their planet back. In this life they've been married for a year and half and are expecting a hybrid son. From Roswell, New Mexico, Max and Tess Evans.

Cheers and applause continue to fill the studio.

Max is wearing a red button down shirt that is a bit wrinkly. The baby's hand- print is glowing through the blue floral printed dress Tess is wearing. Both Max and Tess, like Anakin, were warned to not use their powers during the game. Tess was a bit reluctant to not use her mind-warping gifts, but she agreed.

"Couple number four met on a mysterious island in the middle of nowhere after Oceanic Flight 815 crashed. He's a con artist and she's a fugitive. They were married a month ago after they were rescued and are expecting a baby girl. From the Lost island, James and Kate Ford.

The audience continues to applause the newlywed couple.

James, or Sawyer, as he rather be called is wearing a blue button down shirt and dark blue jeans. Kate is wearing a floral, V-neck dress that fits snuggly around her body. The audience is very aware she became pregnant on the island before the couple's wedding. But they are not aware the island makes men produce 5 times the sperm count! Their guns were confiscated when they walked through the metal detector at the building's entrance.

"Now please welcome your host, Bob Eubanks."

Bob walks out and the audience cheers for him.

Bob speaks to the contestants, "Ladies will wait backstage while I ask the men questions. The first round of questions are 5 points each and the second round is worth 10 except for the last one which is worth 25."

The ladies have some trouble getting up out of their seats. They all require their husbands' assistance.

As the ladies walk off Monica turns to them, "You girls are dead! Chandler and I are so good at this game!"

They all give each other a 'she's crazy' look.

Once they are off stage Bob begins the game.

"Gentlemen, here is the first of the 5 point questions. What food or drink has your wife craved most during her pregnancy? Chandler we'll start with you."

Chandler thinks for a moment. Monica will hate to have to admit this. Rachel will be happy to hear the answer. "Traditional English trifle."

"Traditional English trifle? How is that prepared?" Bob asks.

"You know, there's a layer of jam, custard, lady fingers, bananas, and," Chandler murmurs, "beef sautéed with peas and onions."

The audience is clearly confused and disgusted.

"I know! It tastes like feet but she loves it!" Chandler tells them. "She watches herself eat it in the mirror."

"Whose idea was it to put beef in a trifle? Bob asked disgusted.

"Our friend, Rachel. But that is another story."

"Ok, moving on. Anakin, what food or drink does Padmé crave most?"

Anakin answers, "Bantha beef stew."

"What is a bantha?"

"A large, hairy animal like you've never seen on earth. The stew takes hours to make and there's tons of it in the fridge."

Bob and the audience laugh. "Maybe you should just make a trifle out of it."

They all laugh. Bob moves on.

"Max, you should have a good answer."

"I think she'll top all the ladies. Waffles, topped with whipped cream, pickles, strawberries and a ton of Tabasco sauce."

"Why Tabasco sauce?"

"We hybrids like things extremely sweet and spicy."

Bob responds, "We should have just called this show the alien edition. James, -"

"Actually," he cuts him off in his southern drawl, "call me Sawyer."

Bob rolls his eyes. "Sawyer, what food or drink does Kate, if that is her real name, crave most?"

"Dharma Initiative peanut butter and jelly sandwiches."

The audience likes that response. It's normal and not gross.

"Second question we'll start with Anakin. In the unfortunate event that your wife passes away –"

Anakin screams with all his fear, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" and a few light bulbs in the studio break.

Everyone looks around scared and in wonderment. The other contestants move away from him.

"Anakin it's a hypothetical question for the game."

Anakin glares at Bob. "I don't like the question. Move to the next one."

"No, in the unfortunate event that your wife passes away which one of her friends would you hook up with?"

"I wouldn't ' _hook up_ ' with any of them." Anakin answers adamantly. Someone needs a good Force choke in his opinion.

Sawyer leans over to Max to whisper, "I think Lord Vader is about to choke a bitch."

"You have to answer. Give us any naaaaa-." Bob feels his throat constricting.

Anakin clenches his fist, "I said no one."

"Oh the humanity!" Chandler says.

Max cries out, "Hey, he's using the Force!"

A producer intervenes, "Master Skywalker, you signed a contract saying you wouldn't use your powers. Release Mr. Eubanks or you'll be disqualified."

Padmé wouldn't like that. Anakin releases Bob and a production assistant brings him a glass of water.

Bob moves on in a raspy voice, "Max, you know the question."

Max thinks for a moment. Tess doesn't really have friends. Most of them don't welcome her, expect for Kyle. Well Isabel is nice to her too sometimes. Max wasn't sure if it was better to go with Kyle or Isabel. After lots of contemplation, he decides to go with, "Isabel."

"Who is she?" Bob asks. The water is helping his throat. He almost sounds normal now. Almost. Anakin Force choked him pretty bad.

"She's a hybrid like us."

"Keeping it in the family then?" Bob jokes, not yet knowing the irony of his joke.

"You could say that."

"Sawyer, which one of Kate's friends would you hook up with?" Bob asks.

With a naughty grin he answers, "Claire," he turns to address Max, "Who I must say reminds me of your little Barbie queen."

Max is not amused.

"Chandler, same question."

"Rachel," he answers.

"The same one who made the beef trifle?"

"Well she can't cook but she's cute. Of course that means Monica's brother Ross would have to die too."

Anakin is still glaring at Bob. Bob continues the game, "Let's move on before Anakin has a heart attack with all these hypothetical deaths. Third 5-point question and we'll start with Max. What pick up line did you use to get your wife to go out with you?"

Max just stares and begins to space out. His head cocks to the side as he does this. When Tess first came to Roswell, she already knew everything about him. Thanks to their alien protector, Nasedo, and the nature of memory retrieval, she was in love with him before he even said hello to her. Tess chased after him while talking about their destiny. Max ignored her for a while since he was uncomfortable with the warm fuzzy feelings she created, but eventually he started to remember his past life and his love for his hybrid queen.

Bob tries to get him to answer, "Earth to Max. What pick up line did you use?"

Max jerks back to the present. "I didn't have one. She already loved me."

Bob was about to tell him to give an answer but he looked at Anakin and rubbed his still sore throat. "Ok. Sawyer?"

Sawyer nods his head as if he is proud of himself. "It's an inside joke from the island, I said 'Want to get caught in a net, freckles'?"

Bob laughs and then coughs. He needs more water. A PA brings over another glass. After taking a big gulp Bob says, "Oh, so that's what they're calling it these days. Clever."

"I think so too," Sawyer grinned.

"Chandler, what did you say to Monica?"

"Well I brought up this whole scenario about a nuclear holocaust and I was the last man on earth. So I told her, 'I have canned goods'."

The audience laughs.

Chandler does a mock bow, "Thank you, thank you."

Sawyer is heard saying over the laughs, "It wasn't that funny."

Anakin knows it is now his turn. He turns red and hides his face remembering all the terrible lines he used. He goes with the very first thing he ever said to his beloved, "I asked her 'Are you an angel'?"

The audience gives a mix of 'oohs' and 'awes'.

"Lines like that never worked for me," Chandler said, recalling the days when pretty girls would laugh and then leave the coffee house with other guys - or Joey.

Maybe the line only works in a galaxy far, far away, - and on this audience. Anakin might be back in their good graces.

But then Bob clears his throat again. "Last question of this round gentlemen. What bad habit does your wife have that annoys you? Sawyer?"

He answers with an edge in his voice, "When she calls me Jack by accident."

All the guys shake their heads. That's got to hurt one's ego. Chandler was especially happy that never happened to him with Monica. Having a third nipple was enough bad luck to last a lifetime.

Bob turns to Chandler and repeats the question.

Chandler gives a list; "She's too competitive, loud, freakishly strong and compulsively cleans everything all the time."

"Ok we get she's high maintence but you can only pick one."

"She's too competitive."

Anakin answers before Bob can repeat the question. "She always wants me to talk about my feelings!" He throws his hands in the air as he says this.

At this point in the game everyone just wants to stay on Anakin's good side and Bob wants to keep breathing. They move on.

Max answers the question. "She always talks about our destiny, destiny this, destiny that. It's too much pressure! Then she breaks out the alien guidebook, which we can't even read! She tells me how I have to defeat Kivar and save our people like I am some kind of Chosen One!"

Anakin turns to him and points to himself, "Hey! I am the only Chosen One around here! You can't take my title."

Max retorts, "I meant in this galaxy." Thank the maker for that "can't use your powers" clause in the contracts.

"That doesn't matter. There can only be ONE! That's why I am called the Chosen ONE!" Anakin shouts raising a single finger for emphasis.

The stage manager motions to Bob to wrap it up. They are going overtime. "Ok gentlemen you can battle it out on another game show." He turns to the camera. "Well be back after these messages to hear the ladies match the answers."

After the commercial break the women are already sitting comfortably by their husbands.

Monica is all jumpy and turns to Chandler, "We're going to win this!"

He rubs her belly. "Calm down there, big, fat goalie." She gasps. He means it with love.

As Bob begins in a horsed voice Padmé gives Anakin a suspecting look. He gives her a sheepish grin. She knows and is not pleased.

"Remember these questions are worth 5 points each. Ladies what food or drink did your husband say you crave the most during your pregnancy? Monica?"

Monica has to get this right. She has to win. This means she can't lie about her answer. She says, "Traditional English trifle with beef sautéed with peas and onions."

Bob and the audience are grossed out. Monica becomes nervous at their reaction. Isn't that what Chandler answered?

Chandler flips the card up as Bob says, "He said Traditional English trifle with layer of jam, custard, lady fingers, bananas, and beef sautéed with peas and onions."

Monica is excited and claps her hands. She turns to Chandler to kiss him. 5 points!

Bob continues, 'Why do you watch yourself while you eat it?"

Monica's jaw drops. She's embarrassed. "Chandler!"

"I'm sorry. He forced it out of me. He's like a conversational wizard." Monica was skeptical about that and crossed her arms over chest.

"Padmé, what do you think your husband answered?"

Padmé thinks then answers, "Nerf burgers with extra onions."

Anakin shakes his head and rolls his eyes. "No, he said Bantha beef stew."

She scrunches her nose and turns to her husband. "I do not eat that smelly stew. You do. It's your favorite."

Anakin turns to put the card in the slot, "Then why do I see you sneak out to the kitchen to eat it at 3 am?"

Padmé sticks her nose in the air, "I do no such thing."

Bob asks, "Is that so?"

"Of course. Anakin has been confusing his dreams with reality once again."

"No I haven't." Anakin mumbles to himself.

Bob asks, "So who's right?"

They each point to themselves and say, "I am."

Bob moves on, "Tess, what do you think Max answered?"

Without hesitation she says, "Waffles, topped with whipped cream, pickles, strawberries and a ton of Tabasco sauce."

Bob frowns, "Are you sure that's what he said?"

Tess looks unsure. Max should know that answer. How many times a day does she eat that dish? At least 7! And how many people eat such a combination? "Yes, I am sure."

Max reveals his card. "You're right!" They kiss. 5 points!

Kate is asked the same question. "Sushi" she answers.

"What?" Sawyer asks and reveals his card. She reads in bold letters, _**Dharma Initiative peanut butter and jelly sandwiches**_.

"Sawyer, you know we can't trust that stuff. Who knows what kind of chemicals they put in it."

"You scarf down those chemicals like nobody's business, Jabba."

Padmé and Anakin turn to each other. "Jabba? The Hutt?" they whisper.

Bob breaks it up. "Next question. We asked your husbands in the unfortunate event that your wife passes away which one of her friends would you hook up with? Padmé?"

That must have been the question to set Anakin off. She turns to him and he won't look at her directly. "I can't imagine he said anyone."

"He did give an answer." Bob says to make her doubt herself.

"He couldn't have. He's been in love with me since he was nine years old." She pauses and gives her final answer, "He can't live without me so he didn't say anyone."

Anakin flips the card up and she sees she got it right. "No one."

They kiss. 5 points!

It is Tess' turn to answer. She frowns because she has no friends except for Max. Oh, and Kyle! Wait he wouldn't hook up with Kyle, would he? She gives her husband a once over. No, there's no way. Well her second choice is not a friend at all but she was his first girlfriend in this life. "Liz?"

"You think he said Liz?"

"I would imagine so. She was his first girlfriend before we met on earth."

"Well he said," Max lifts the card, "Isabel."

Tess' jaw drops! "Ew!"

"Who's Isabel?"

"His sister!"

Everyone is disgusted and there's a collective drawn out "Ew" in the studio.

Anakin turns to his wife, "Dear Force, what a nightmare for his parents." He feels a disturbance in the Force. He hopes his soon to be born son would never be hypothetically interested in his twin sister.

Bob says, "You really meant it when I said you were keeping it in the family. Why did you pick your sister?"

Max explains, "She only has, like," he counts on his fingers, "three friends! And besides this is a hypothetical question anyway, I wouldn't actually hook up with my sister." He turns to Tess, "And Liz never even crossed my mind."

Tess is so truly touched that his ex was not even thought about that she immediately forgets Isabel was mentioned. They don't get the points but she kisses him anyway.

Kate quickly guesses Sawyer's answer since she doesn't have many friends either. Jin would kill him but she can only think of "Sun."

He flips the card up. It reads _**Claire.**_ "Sun? Jin would skin me like a flounder."

"Doesn't mean the thought hasn't crossed your mind," Kate comments.

"I rather like my skin. I tan nicely." Sawyer touches his handsome face and smiles. He didn't horde the suntan lotion for nothing.

Bob leaves them to their banter and moves on to Monica.

Phoebe can be a bit scary. Especially when she used her bra to intimidate Chandler. She knows her husband too well, "Rachel."

Monica is right and excited. They kiss. 10 points! They're winning!

Bob asks, "Third question, what pick up line did your husband use to get you to go out with him? Tess?"

She answers, "I remember you."

"No he said," she looks at the card, " _ **I didn't have one. She already loved me**_."

"But I cried when you told me that you remembered me," Tess reminded her husband. That was the only time she ever allowed herself to cry.

"That wasn't a pick-up line, though. You would've gone out with me long before I told you that," Max explains.

Tess opens her mouth to argue, but she is unable to knowing full well that Max didn't need a line to peak her interest.

"So who's right?" Bob asks the couple.

"He is," Tess admitted. She was not above admitting when she was wrong.

It's Kate's turn. She's biting her lip. That rainy day in the jungle is coming back to her and she has goose bumps. "He said, "Want to get caught in a net, freckles'?"

She shrieks and throws her arms around Sawyer when she sees they got their first 5 points.

Monica points to Bob and announces, "I know this! I said I wouldn't go out with him and he said he had canned goods."

She's right again, 15 points for the Bings.

Bob asks, "Did you accept his 'canned goods'?"

"Well not till years later. I got stung by a jellyfish later that day and he had to pee on me."

The audience is once again grossed out. Monica screams, "You don't know the pain!"

Chandler interjects, "Hey, we said we'd never talk about that ever again."

Bob thinks this episode is getting out of hand. The answers get stranger and stranger. "Padmé, Anakin turned red when we asked this question. I guess he had quite a few good ones."

"I wouldn't say they were good but they worked – somehow." Of all the lines which would he find least embarrassing? Anakin is giving her a pleading look to really think about her answer. She turned to Bob, "We were at a lake retreat and I was talking about lying on the beach," she didn't see Anakin shaking his head in horror, "and then he said, I will never forget this for as long as I live, 'I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth.' And then he started rubbing his hand down my back and leaned in to kiss me."

There is a murmur of giggles. Bob comments, "That's one drawn out pick up line."

"Didn't sound like one at the time till he leaned in and stole a kiss."

"You kissed me." Anakin argued.

"Maybe she was trying to get you to be quiet?" Bob retorted. "Doesn't matter he said," Anakin reveals the card, " _ **Are you an angel**_?"

"That was a pick up line?" Padmé asked stunned.

Sawyer leans over to inform Padmé, "Oldest one in the book, Curly Sue."

"Excuse me, I don't appreciate that tone, Mr. Ford."

Kate pushed her husband back in his seat, "Don't start with them. Her husband can kill you with his mind."

Sawyer rolls his eyes.

Bob gets the game going again. "Last question ladies and gentlemen. What bad habit of yours did your husband say annoys him? Kate?"

"When I borrow his gun collection without asking."

Coming from a fugitive that answer surprised no one.

"No, he said when you call him Jack. Who's Jack?"

Kate is embarrassed. "The doctor that crashed with us."

There is tension between the couple. Sawyer throws his card on the floor.

Bob really wants to pursue this moment of tension, but he's afraid that someone will die if he does and this edition of _The_ _Newlywed, Not So Newlywed_ _Game_ was already getting out of hand.

"Monica, what bad habit of yours annoys Chandler?" Bob continues with the show.

Monica needs a challenge. These questions are way too easy. She answers, "I'm too competitive!"

"Are you sure about that? He had quite a list." Bob teases her.

She points to a scar on Chandler, "See this, I did that during a game of _Pictionary_. It was an accident after I threw a plate."

Bob winces. "Ouch. Well he answered," Chandler turns over the card, " _ **She's too competitive**_."

They're up to 20 points! Monica already can't wait to claim her prize.

Padmé has to think hard about her answer. She always thought she seemed perfect in Anakin's eyes. There was one thing he didn't like; "He hates it when I use my stern politician's voice when we argue. He said it makes him feel like I am talking down to him."

"Why do you use that voice then?" Bob asked.

"It's a bad habit."

"That's not what he answered. He said you try to get him to talk about his feelings."

Padmé reads the card then nods. "That makes sense. It's usually what leads to the argument."

"Is that true, Anakin?"

He answers, "I rather not talk about it."

"See what I mean?" Padmé points out.

Bob turns to the next couple. "Tess, what habit of yours annoys your husband?"

She tried to think of something he views as annoying. She shrugged and decided to say the thing that made him ignore her in the first place. "When I talk about our destiny all the time."

Max flips the card. She got it right. They kiss. 10 points.

"What's with all the destiny talk?"

"He used to tell me he'd make his own destiny. But look at us now." She rubs her belly and the baby's handprint starts to glow again. "I showed him. –" She then takes out a copper colored notebook with alien text, "See, and look at the pictures– "

Max mumbles to himself, "Oh no, there's the alien guidebook again. She always carries it with her."

Tess was going to continue with her explanation, but Bob cuts her off, "This show is only 30 minutes, your Highness. We need to move along." He gives the current scores, "Monica and Chandler have 20 points, Padmé and Anakin have 5, and Tess and Max have 10 and Kate and Sawyer have 5. Stay tuned after these messages for round two."

They move on to a commercial break.

When they return the husbands are already off stage and can't hear the answers. Anakin is given another warning not to use the Force to discover Padmé's answers. He is offended. He is not a cheater.

Bob starts round two. "Ladies this question is worth 10 points. When your husband wakes up in the morning what is the first thing he reaches for?"

It is Monica's turn first. She thinks about their mornings. The alarm goes off, she hits the snooze and Chandler goes to use the bathroom. "Himself" she answers forgetting no one can hear her thoughts.

The audience laughs. Bob says, "I'm afraid to ask what you mean."

Monica clears the air. "I mean when he goes to use the restroom."

"Understandable. Padmé, what is the first thing your husband reaches for?"

With red cheeks she answers, "Me."

"Which part of you?" Bob asks.

"A lady doesn't reveal such details. And if Anakin knows what is good for him neither will he."

"Sounds like you wear the pants in that house."

"That will be our secret." Padmé jokes. The audience laughs.

"Well see about that. Tess, same question."

Tess has a wide grin on her face. "Me. He gives me a hug every morning."

An "aw" is heard from the audience.

"Kate, what does Sawyer reach for?"

Kate surprises everyone. "The gun he keeps under his pillow." The audience gasps. "Don't worry. Despite what he wants people to think, it's not loaded."

"That's comforting to know. Next 10 point question ladies; which movie best describes your husband on your wedding night: _Superman, Animal House, Gone in 60 Seconds,_ or _Sleepy Hollow_?"

Padmé bites her lip and giggles before answering. " _Animal House_."

"Why is that?" Bob has to ask.

She explains, "He had 10 years of tension built up. He was like a caged animal finally allowed to live in the wild."

Everyone in the studio laughs. Padmé hopes Anakin gets that right. He might have a different point of view of that night.

Tess answers the question without any hesitation, " _Superman_ ," she smiles and hides her face so no one can see her blushing. Alien sex produced a hot, electric energy that coursed through a hybrid's body and culminated in an hour-long orgasm. She had many fond memories of her time with Max and his past self. Max certainly knew how to please a girl whether in the bedroom or outdoors.

Bob noticed the blonde queen blushing. "Are you just _stroking_ his kingly ego?" The audience laughs at the dirty joke. He looks at them and raises an eyebrow. "No pun intended."

Tess lifted her head to make eye contact and stopped smiling, "No. It's an honest answer."

Kate answers the question, " _Superman_."

Then Monica answers with a sigh, "We were both so tired. He was a cross between _Gone in 60 Seconds_ and _Sleepy Hollow._ "

Bob reminds her, "You can only pick one."

She chooses, " _Sleepy Hollow_."

"Next questions ladies, name something your husband does that _he thinks_ you find romantic to get you in the mood?"

Tess answers first, "He lights candles and we have a memory retrieval session."

Everyone thinks that answer is strange. Damn weird hybrids!

Kate is next, "He thinks he is letting me win at ping pong."

Monica leans over to ask her, "Ever play doubles? Chandler and I -"

Bob clears his healed throat and gets her back into the game. "Monica, answer the question."

She gives him a dirty look and then answers, "We take candle light bubble baths."

Padmé quickly answers. She needs a commercial break to use the refresher again. "He takes me on a picnic."

"This is the last question and it's worth 25 points. What pet name does your husband have for you?"

"Freckles," Kate answers.

Monica says, "Honey."

"Angel." Padmé is half way out of her seat ready to walk off stage.

"My love." Tess answers.

Bob addresses the audience. "We'll be back to hear the men match the answers."

They return from the break. All the ladies are comfortably in their seats again after a bathroom break. Their husbands have joined them.

Bob starts the game again. "Gentlemen, when you wake up in the morning what is the first thing you reach for?"

Chandler answers, "The alarm clock."

Monica flips the card. "She said _**himself**_."

"What?"

Monica rolls her eyes. They don't get the points! She explains to him. "I hit the snooze and you go to use the bathroom."

"After I hit the snooze!"

"I hit it!"

Bob asks, "Who's right?"

"I am!" They both yell. Monica's voice is louder than Chandler's. For such a tiny woman she has a loud voice.

Anakin puts his arm around Padmé and rubs her belly. "My wife." She flips the card.

"She said, _**me**_."

They kiss. 15 points!

Max also answers, "My wife."

Tess reveals her card. "She said, _**me**_."

They kiss. 20 points!

Monica throws her fist down into the seat. Now they're tied! How can this be?

Sawyer answers casually, "The alarm clock."

"No, she said the gun under your pillow."

Sawyer looks at the card and is angry. "Why would you tell them that? You're making me look like some backwards hick."

"We didn't have an alarm clock on the island." She responds.

"But we had polar bears, boars and a bug eyed bastard who wanted to kidnap you." Sawyer speaks so fast his southern accent is thicker.

She raised an eyebrow. "And what good will an unloaded gun do?"

The argument was over. Bob tells Sawyer, "Watch your language, Yosemite Sam."

Sawyer is amused by the nickname. If he can dish it he can take it.

They still only have 5 points.

"Gentlemen, which movie best describes you on your wedding night; _Superman, Animal House, Gone in 60 Seconds,_ or _Sleepy Hollow_?"

Anakin has a sly grin in his face. " _Superman_."

"No she said, _**Animal House**_."

He looks at her. "What do you mean by that?"

She answers, "I'll tell you later."

Bob informs him, "She said you were like a wild animal finally let out of its cage."

Anakin is shocked his sweet angel would be so candid. He reveals, "She was pretty wild herself."

Padmé's cheeks are bright red, "Because I had to keep up with you."

The audience is laughing.

Max knows this answer, " _Superman_."

Tess is giddy and turns her card over. They kiss. 30 points!

Bob addresses Max, "You old devil."

Max shrugs with a goofy smile. He thinks to himself, _I am the King!_

Sawyer tries to think what Kate would answer instead of what he would say. " _Animal House_."

Kate shakes her head as she reveals _Superman._

"Hey, it was a 50/50 shot."

"What about the other two choices?" Bob asks.

"What other two?" Sawyer jokes. The audience laughs. "Our first time was in a cage so _Animal House_ makes the most sense."

"He wasn't asking us where our first time took place," Kate said. "He asked about our wedding night."

"Why was it in a cage?" Bob thought that was the weirdest spot.

"Cause that's where bug eyed bastard put us."

Bob shakes his head and quickly moves on.

Monica is pissed. She is glaring at Chandler. He better get this one right.

He answers without even thinking. No man should ever have to admit to the last two choices on TV and his wife should know that. " _Superman_."

She hits him over the head with the card. As it comes down on him he sees the bold words _**Sleepy Hollow**_.

"Chandler! Now we're losing." She gives a big huff of anger.

"Because you picked the wrong answer."

"Next question, name something you do that _you think_ your wife will find romantic to get her in the mood."

Max says, "I give her a foot massage."

Tess responds, "That is not romantic, that's because my feet are swollen." She shows him the card.

He looks confused. "And memory retrieval is?"

"It is with the candles, and the hand holding and reliving intimate moments." She says this with a light sensual voice.

Max sighs. He should know her better by now. Of course she'd find that romantic when he's just preparing for a war. How can he fight Kivar if he can't even remember how he was overthrown in the first place?

Sawyer answers, "I cook her dinner." Kate snorts.

Bob responds, "You cook?"

"Yea I roast a boar."

"That's sweet but she said you let her win at ping pong."

"So how we doing Bob? Still at 5 points?"

"Are you surprised?"

Both Sawyer and Kate answer. "No."

Monica is sure he will get this. Chandler responds, "We take candle light bubble baths."

Monica is hopeful once again. She is squealing with joy and throws her arms around her husband giving him kisses before revealing her card. 30 points!

"Could she _**be**_ more excited?" Chandler stated in his famous tone.

Bob answers for everyone. "Save that excitement for after the show."

Anakin thinks of his answer. "She loves to go swimming so I take her skinny dipping in the ocean."

Bob asks, "I though you hated sand though?"

Chandler comments, "Who's thinking about the sand when they are going to get some?" Anakin nods furiously in agreement. He looks like a bobble head.

The audience laughs and Padmé shakes her head.

"Well, she said, _**he takes me on a picnic**_."

Anakin looks at the answer. He thought they would do better than this. They still only have 15 points. "I do lots of romantic things for Padmé."

She agrees, "He does. It makes up for the bad pick-up lines."

"Ok this is the last question and it's worth 25 points. What pet name do you have for your wife? Sawyer if you get this right you'll leave with 30 points."

"Freckles."

She flips the card. They kiss. 30 points are better than 5!

"Chandler your answer can bring you to 55."

"Honey."

Monica reveals the answer. 55 points! They kiss. Monica crosses her fingers and hopes Max will get it wrong.

"Anakin if you get this right you'll leave with 40 points."

"Angel."

_All too easy,_ Anakin thinks to himself, _well not that easy since we didn't win._ They kiss.

"Max if you get this right you'll tie with Monica and Chandler and we'll go to a tie breaker."

Max answers, "My love."

He's right and they kiss.

Monica grabs Chandler's hand. He is wincing in pain.

Bob continues, "For the tie breaker we'll match your predictions made before the game with your current score. The couple that matches the closest without going over wins." Each couple flips over their cards. "Monica and Chandler predicted 50, Tess and Max predicted 45. Monica and Chandler are the winners."

Monica gets up out of her seat and lets out a celebratory exclamation. Even the baby is excited. He's kicking her like a soccer player. Chandler tries to get her to calm down.

Max and Tess don't need to win. Tess says, "It's ok. We have each other."

Monica and Chandler look at each other. "We need the stuff."

Monica sits back down as the seats divide to reveal "A year's supply of diapers courtesy of Pampers and a completely furnished nursery courtesy of Macy's Home Furnishing."

"This concludes this edition of _The Newlywed, Not So Newlywed Game._ Thank you to our couples and congratulations! Stay tuned for _Deal or No Deal_."

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in May 2007.


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